"It's not like I used to get high like... get high,
get high, get high, get high. It wasn't like I got 
high like that." - Bobby Brown

"It's difficult for me to be a husband and a 
father and still be Bobby Brown" - Bobby Brown
POPBITCH           _     _ _       
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| '_ \ / _ \| '_ \| '_ \| | __/ __| '_ \
| |_) | (_) | |_) | |_) | | || (__| | | |
| .__/ \___/| .__/|_.__/|_|\__\___|_| |_|
|_|         |_|      10.06.04 ISSUE 213
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* Beating off beats the bulge
* Brooklyn goes to Hertfordshire
* Charts: Mario Winans is number one

        >> E is for England <<
        Drug abuse for dummies

    Which England player, who is sadly missing from
    Euro 2004, got over his disappointment by 
    attending a big outdoor rave last week with two
    girls on his arm, and immediately and openly
    tried to score some Es? Unfortunately for
    this exotically-named star the first person he 
    asked was a tabloid journalist.

Ann Summers is bringing out a new vibrator 
called Insania later this year.

        >> School's out for summer <<
        Brooklyn goes to Hertfordshire

    Victoria Beckham went shopping with her Mum this
    week. She was spotted buying a school uniform for
    Brooklyn for an exclusive private school in 
    Hertfordshire. So maybe she's not moving to 
    Madrid in September after all.

(FYI: When the Rebecca Loos story broke, the PR
advice given to Victoria was "wear flat shoes when
out with David to give the impression of being small
and vulnerable.")

Burlesque performers hired for last weekend's 
Download rock festival were banned after Saturday for
being too dirty and not allowed to perform on Sunday.

        >> Big Questions <<
        What art lovers are asking this week

    Which eccentric Brit-art legend was seen at 
    Oscar's gay cinema in King's Cross sucking off
    a Latino man on the back row during Bank Holiday
    weekend? The tall, bespectacled man had first, 
    conscientiously, put a condom on his friend.

Patrick Swayze is staying in a hotel in Kingston Upon
Thames. A few nights ago he helped staff to apprehend
a drunk guest who was walking round the hotel nude.

        >> Hassel The Hoff <<
        America's Living Legend

    David Hasselhoff was arrested for drink-driving at 
    the weekend. The true heir to the legendary 
    drinkers like Oliver Reed and Richard Harris, 
    The Hoff still has Soho barmen talking in hushed,
    awed tones about the times he has been drinking
    in London. David favours neat vodka, served in
    half-pint measures, which he effortlessly 
    downs in one go.

    Maybe this skill was what persuaded Ice T to 
    produce Hasselhoff's new rap album.

While David Duchovny stayed at the Dorchester last 
week, promoting Connie and Carla, hotel staff say they 
were twice called to unblock big turds from his toilet. 

        >> Wank yourself thin <<
        Beating off beats the bulge

    Masturbating makes you thin, according to a
    Japanese doctor. Hideo Yamanaka says "Ejaculation 
    raises the basic metabolism of muscles and
    consumes calories. An ordinary young person 
    would have to do it 100 or more times a month
    for it to have any effect... four or five times
    a day, if you're really serious." He calculates 
    that for each two kilos of body weight you want 
    to lose you'd need to use up 2 litres of semen.

    Devotee Gomesu Yamada says "It's hard enough just 
    to spurt so often, but to get the full benefits 
    of aerobic exercise, it's necessary for the
    process to be maintained for at least 15 minutes
    before ejaculation occurs." They've named the
    practice Onani-bics.

(FYI: Listening to Pervert Radio might help:

Jennifer Ellison, who won Hell's Kitchen reality 
show last week, was nicknamed Chuckie's Bride
by her castmates on Brookside.

        >> Butter Dog down under <<
        Millsy tests his oral skills

    Paris Hilton renewed her "friendship" with 
    Australia Idol loser "Millsy" Mills last month
    when she was booked for an appearance at a St
    Kilda nightclub, Melbourne. Part way through the 
    event the club manager walked into the night 
    office and found Paris sitting on the edge of her
    desk, dress hitched up, with Millsy between her
    legs, licking away like a Butter Dog. When the
    manager apologised for barging in on them, 
    Paris barely looked up, graciously replying 
    "That's cool, we won't be too long".

(FYI: The publicity hasn't hurt Millsy, his debut
single, Ms Vanity, charted at number six this week.)

Is J-Lo already on husband number four? Insiders 
suggest she had a hushed-up teenage marriage. Bookies'
odds on beating Liz Taylor's eight weddings? 10-1.  

        >> Name 'em and shame 'em <<
        Global sporting stupids

    To commemorate the start of Euro 2004, here's 
    some of our favourite named men in sport.

    1. Rusty Kuntz, Pittsburgh Pirates baseball coach

    2. Gregor Fucka, Slovenian basketball star
Slovenian basketball

    3. Miroslav Satan, Buffalo Sabres hockey team 

    4. Randy Duck, basketball guard

    5. Ralf Minge, Bayern Munich coach

    6. Kye Wankum - racing driver

    7. Jimmy Gobble - Kansas City Royals pitcher

    8. Mike Wankling - horse racing handicapper.  

DVD rental company Netflix has had a 1,100% increase
in orders for Ronald Reagan movies since his 
death. Most popular so far - Hellcats of the Navy.

        >> Gak Attack on the Inland Revenue <<
        Anyone for more fruit and flowers?

    There's a widespread accounting loophole that 
    allows unlimited money to be spent on "Fruit and
    Flowers" - a handy get-out clause for the
    fashion, music, TV and film industries to
    purchase sex and drugs. Everyone has their 
    own variations: we brought you the "flowers for
    the client" ruse last week. Chrysalis Records'
    accounting code in the 80s and 90s was "Champagne 
    and Flowers" - particularly useful whenever Billy
    Idol was in town. Convicted accounting embezzler
    Frank Dixon used "fruit and flowers" to steal 
    half of Primal Scream and Suede's money. And BBC
    also favoured "fruit and flowers". Brian Cant is
    said to have been rather particular about the 
    quality of his fruit.

Cher celebrated her German tour dates this weekend by
taking her whole crew to see the Harry Potter movie
in Cinema Munich. She even sprung for the popcorn.

        >> Wisdom of the Supermodels <<
        Kate Moss's eyes are wide shut

    Kate Moss attended a celebrity party at Stanley
    Kubrick's old house just before Christmas. Part
    of the entertainment laid on was a magician,
    who wandered around the crowd doing magic tricks.
    Kate Moss kept making him do card tricks, but 
    every time he reached the climax of the illusion,
    the model had forgotten what card she picked. Duh.

Best named attendee of the Bilderberg Group's 50th
anniversary last week: Mr Mustafa Koc. 
(CEO of Koc Holding)

        >> Ding Dong, Did Di? <<
        Popbitch penis pedantry 

    We received thousands of emails this week from 
    you guessing what James Hewitt's DD knob 
    tattoo meant. Most of you said it was either
    "Ding Dong", or "Did Di". Our favourite
    answer was that it was Hewitt making an art
    statement about his favourite band KLF: 
    when erect the tattoo spells out DrummonD. 

(FYI: JH discusses his knob with Jody Marsh 
on Sky One's Celebrity Penthouse this month,
but we don't think he gives the game away. 
James, email us hello@popbitch.com

Unlikely kerb-crawler Nathan Moore's first band was a
duo with his sister, "Marie and Donnie of Reggae".

        >> Things to make you go hmmm <<
        Brothels, Butter Dogs, Britney

    Tell C4 that you're mad as hell at The O.C. being
    taken off air mid-series - even Macaulay Culkin's
    got the theme tune as his ringtone:

    Super Butter Dog - the band:

    Glad to be gay:

    Nevada's most famous brothel, The Chicken Ranch, 
    is on sale for $7 million. Owner Ken Green 
    developed the property from two trailers into
    a 40-acre spread with a bar, parlour, swimming
    pool and three bungalows with Wild West,
    jungle and Victorian themes.

    Henri is a candidate in the regional elections
    in Brussels this week. Horny posters are all 
    over the city.

    Bad things happen to good animals:

    The otters are coming, if you live in Cincinnati:

    Britney on a night out:
    Want to take your parrot for a walk?

        >> Chart Predictions <<
        New entries for Sunday 13th June
++ Number One
MARIO WINANS I Don't Wanna Know
Made his name as a drum programmer and
percussionist for R Kelly and Pebbles.

++ Top Ten
37350 Come On England
We prefer: http://www.footballbadgers.com/

O ZONE Mai Ai Hii 
Signed to a Romanian record label, the
boys are laughed at in their adopted country
for their Moldovan accents.

TWISTED X Born In England
Better than 37350. 

++ Top Twenty
VS Call You Sexy
Uses the bassline to Imagination's
Body Talk.

Among the audience at Monday's LA show
were Har Mar Superstar and Senior from
Junior Senior.

KANYE WEST All Falls Down
Lined up to produce the new Mariah Carey 
album, if it ever happens.

Dutch Candee's real name is Ilze.

Janet's last husband Rene Elizondo got
$15 million, a $120,000 Mercedes SL600, 
and $8 million five bedroom Malibu 
beachfront home in the divorce settlement. 

++ Top Forty
Trance cover of a Dido track.

How to get huge amounts of press coverage
when no-one buys your records? 
Employ Madonna's PR.

MARK OWEN Makin' Out
Mark's parents are called Mary and Keith. 

********* Do you hate football? ***********
Popbitch brings you special screenings 
of the Venice Film Festival winner 
"The Return". Manchester - Mon 21st June,
Oxford, Cambridge, Edinburgh - Tues 22nd June
London - Thursday 24th June. Apply for tickets: 
'The Return' is released by UGC Films on June 25th

        >> End Bit <<

Popbitch is published by Popdog Ltd.

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Thanks this week to: britnee, derek, S
germanycalling, media_whore, richjohnson, 
RP, J, ingles, DR, lady_di_spencer, KP
ALbinoyogachick, conno, aristocat, JN, AM
inglish, dollymixture, conno, D, DP, CH,
reverend_goatboy, noirterre, pixiesdebaser
zig_a_zig... and Work Hard PR for the 
excellent Brides of Destruction tickets

Old Jokes' Home:
Q: Did you hear that David Beckham's voice will be 
used for the announcements at the new Wembley?

A: Apparently he comes over the P.A. very well...

Still Bored?
These people need therapy:

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